Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.