Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Strangers have the best candy.
If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house
those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”