I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
#auspol #itson #qanda #art
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.