@iLikeCatShirts

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

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@MarfSalvador

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

@ehdannyboy

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

@AGStr8upNinja

If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.

@SamInspired

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

@aisha_aaron

Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house

@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

@sixfootcandy

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”