Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

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I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.


Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.


When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.


Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.


Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.


Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur


Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“


Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.