Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You Might Also Like
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.