Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met