What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
You Might Also Like
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.