@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

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@ambermruffin

***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***

I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.

***dies***

@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@DrDogMD

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

@TheHatStore

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

@toomanycommas3

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND