Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.