Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
dads on road-trips be like
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?