If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge