Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

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Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?


Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!


Hide when real work comes!


Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”


What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.


“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*


*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me


PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*


No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with