Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.