@Bizarro_Mark

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

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@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@LlamaInaTux

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

@DirtMcTurd

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

@clichedout

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@Kvy_kv

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge