@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

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@asaltiercorpse

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@inmybox07

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@ThisOneSayz

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@QwertyJones3

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

@david8hughes

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

@

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