@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

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@RocketRankoon

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

@ohen39

“Hey!”

*thousands of people turn around*

Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@ehchino

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

@_HannersNanners

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.