Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

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Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.


I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.


I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude


“What’s wrong with our country?”


“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”



I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.


I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.


Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.