Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“What’s wrong with our country?”
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.