Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*