Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.