Do one person every day that scares you.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Pot warmers of the day.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
We’ve all been there…