“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”