@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

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@WhatTheFFacts

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

@Sassafrantz

A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous

@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

@shkeeber

Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…

@BoogTweets

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

@prontopup

Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@WindPushedGrass

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy