@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

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@NymphoFor

Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.

@Chelsea_Elle

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@aundreyamarie

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

@notorious_stars

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them

@SlimWyldNReklez

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

@ClichedOut

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded