“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

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Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.


A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous


Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.


Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…


*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil


Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.


I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break


‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets


*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy