Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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How much paperwork is involved in moving to Antarctica?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded