My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.