@snmrrw

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

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@BoomBoomBetty

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

@vivalamoi448

4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.

@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

@mollzbenn

There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@thenatewolf

J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat