Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me, flirting😏
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.