Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.