Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.


Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.


[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service


I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.


[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car


Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.