Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.