Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
cats when you pet them too long: