Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.