Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
#Caturday
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!