[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.
Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.
Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“I want to get drunk in public.”
“Me too but on pancake batter.”
“If only there was a way to solve both problems.”
-The Origin of Eggnog
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment