Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The options really are this bad
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
A classic…
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*