@envydatropic

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

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@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@Book_Krazy

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

@realHamOnWry

It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@TheCamJude

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

@MooseAllain

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

@ChicksRule

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

@thepaulasuzanne

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

@Where__wolf

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”