Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
How dramatic are you?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
men are simple creatures
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Ok but actually
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
me: my friends:
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.