Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.
Wife: did you tell her to say that?
Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“Ok, suit yourself”