@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

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@ADHDeanASL

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

@AntozWolf

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@gavinmind

Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?

Dads:

Installer:

Dads: YES