@ADHDeanASL
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
@HousewifeOfHell
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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@ADHDeanASL
@AntozWolf
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
@knot_eye
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
@best0fnick
#SuperBowl
@cravin4
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
@squirrel74wkgn
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
@Home_Halfway
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
@BoogTweets
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
@gavinmind
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
Dads:
Installer:
Dads: YES
@NicCageMatch
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?