Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
NVM no egg
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.