@bananainches Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
@HousewifeOfHell Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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@bananainches 
@AndyRichter A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
@johnfreiler T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
@Marl_TheBean I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
@Mom_Overboard I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
@PaperWash “can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
@hellohappy_time This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
@lifecoachfit It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: “your turn”
@SortaBad me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
@Illiter8 Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.