@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

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@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@ginnyhogan_

I’ve been told to be less casual about sex. Like, while it’s happening. But in my defense, the potato chips were right there.

@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@ChristianGalia1

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

@Manda_like_wine

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

@ElKnuckelhombre

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@TheHatStore

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”