Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
hi why am I like this
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*