@bwebster76

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

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@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@Vodkantots

“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler

@carlyken

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”