[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Never let them know your next move 😂
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that