Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

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A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.

“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”


Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”


Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page


i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon


[trapped inside a volcano]




Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…


*stands up and screams*

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*


I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.


“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.


Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.