A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.
“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[trapped inside a volcano]
Toddler: Be Careful…
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”
*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.