Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”