@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

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@MartaEffing

A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.

“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@gonzohostility

Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

@IndecisiveJones

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@JohnLyonTweets

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

@UnFitz

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

@erichwithach

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.