Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”