Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection