I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
And the headline of the year goes to…
*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*
IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”