@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

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@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

@murrman5

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby