911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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What idiot called it a transplant and not re-organ-izing?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
ok, we can trust that baby