Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You Might Also Like
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
when someone rings the doorbell
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger