People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
why am I working on Labor Day
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs