What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Pretty much. 🤣
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT