Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”


It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.


The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.


Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room


I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.


I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.


[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)