Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?