@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

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@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 20 you should have

1. $10 in your account

2. a bad relationship story

3. a knee pain

4. anxiety

5. back pain

@debon7

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@fa_que2

You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time