My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
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Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
By the age of 20 you should have
1. $10 in your account
2. a bad relationship story
3. a knee pain
5. back pain
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time