Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???