do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”