do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
There’s only one good girl here!
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer