Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.
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“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[first day as spy]
*falls asleep in bushes*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?