@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

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@iGreenGod

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

@robknepper

“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”

“Staples?”

“No….Paperclips.”

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@mattokine

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

@pinupteacher

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

@Reverend_Scott

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?