@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

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@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@thenatewolf

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else

@ryan_rachryan80

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

@CauseWereGuys

Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

@hellohappy_time

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@perlhack

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women