Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
technically true but not a great slogan
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”