Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose
So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree