@2tickytacky

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

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@isabelzawtun

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

@GaryJanetti

Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.

@shariv67

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

@Gupton68

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

@MamaFizzles

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree