“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
favorite tropes as memes
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”