co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat