@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…

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@1followernodad

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@ObscureGent

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

@kind_ofa_bitch

So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.

@mikescollins

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

@NoogsCorner

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@ThatEggChick

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

@MacMallyMMA

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

@david8hughes

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

@Jamie1947

Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?