‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
You Might Also Like
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.