@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

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@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@librarianfonz

An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@HairyJew4Life

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.

Like father, like son.

@sineadaloftus

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H