[friend being eaten by a bear]
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:
1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”