“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
What the hell happened here.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.