do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!