“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Called it
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches