@dadopotamus

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

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@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

@PinkCamoTO

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.