“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me :
All Day At Night
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I think this cat is broken
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses