“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.


guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine


My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know


I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like


*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!


H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.