“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”