@David_Bressan

.. do you even science?

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@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

@Froschauer_AF

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

@TheSuperiorPink

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@mattZillaaaa

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

@Ideal_Victoria

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@Thedudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.