.. do you even science?
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Blew my mind.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
stand with me against insufficient seating
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.